Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
