I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
