i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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