DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
