The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Randomize
