Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Randomize
