Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
So many bounce houses so little time
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Randomize
