ugly people sure do ruin things
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
