he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
