tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I still have a little drunk in my system
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
