I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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