My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Randomize
