is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
