mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
