the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
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