Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
