Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
