i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Randomize
