my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
