you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
