your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Randomize
