Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
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