Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
ttyl tear gas
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
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