I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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