So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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