At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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