i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
