we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
