My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Randomize
