you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
