Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
