I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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