I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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