Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Who died my cat blue again?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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