im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
