I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Those nachos came to me in a dream
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
