this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
