Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
