i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
