i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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