i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
