My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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