Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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