I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I love having hate sex.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
