The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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