The maid of honor just puked.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
