Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
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My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
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My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
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