There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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