I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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