Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
