Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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