I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
