what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
