I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
